Embrace

Most of the time I post only when I'm really inspired by something, but today I'm gonna just write about how life has been for me in the past week.

Last week one day, my daughter mentioned to me that my ex told her that he and his girlfriend of 2 years were going to spend the rest of their lives together, whether they actually got married or not. She said it so casually. I'm sure it was no big deal to her to hear that from him.

But to me it was like a punch in the stomach.

I think I faked disinterest pretty well, but that sucker punch started festering right away, and I've been crying on and off all week. On one level it makes no sense. I don't want to get back together with him for obvious reasons, and even find it difficult to be around him for very long. I want him to be happy, I really do. I'm happy and relieved that he has found someone to be with, and for the rest of his life, no less.

On a deeper level, though, came these more painful thoughts...We told each other years ago that we would be together for the rest of our lives, and I believed it until just a few years ago. We'd even planned what our retirement would look like...park rangers in Southern Utah! I know, so nerdy...but for a long time that was the plan. We'd planned on doing a trek in the Himalayas...even starting planning some of it. Seriously looked into living in Australia for a few years just for the experience but decided against it because of the value of the dollar. We were going to hike to the top of all the major Utah peaks in our spare time.

All of those plans dissipated when things started going bad, so it's not like I wish we could really do them now. It's just that we had planned it, and it all fell through and now he has a replacement wife. That's what it feels like. I know this has to do with me never feeling like I'm good enough...but it's easy to feel this way in this situation. I wasn't what he needed, so he got a better replacement. They socialize with all the people we used to socialize with and she is well-accepted as being his mate. I never see any of them anymore, and one of them even despises me because of the circumstances of the end of the marriage.

You don't need to remind me that I'm better off than I was before. He wasn't what I needed either. I know this with every fiber of my being, but this still hurts. It hurts because it's just plain, old raw emotion and is all about not being the right 'kind' of wife, or whatever. He has betrayed me, abandoned me at an even deeper level, and I'm sure if they ever do decide to get married, I'll feel it all over again. No, it really doesn't have anything to do with him at all...this situation just brings up all of my old wounds and twists and jabs and pokes at the most sore spots of all.

All of this would have been so much easier if I'd had someone special in my life. But it just isn't working out that way right now. I suppose going through all of this stuff alone will probably make me stronger than if I'd had someone to lean on. And I think to myself, every once in awhile, to just go find someone, anyone, so I'll have someone to hold me and let me cry on their shoulder. I know I can't do this, even if I wanted to. I'm have to wait for the zing, the zap, the unstoppable train. And that's the only kind of person that will do.

I also think one of the reasons why my ex's "abandonment" stings so much is because I chose him. He wasn't a relative or parent or sibling. I told him everything I knew about myself (at the time). I exposed myself...and still I wasn't the right kind of person.

So today, I embrace my pity for myself. I embrace the pain, the feelings of betrayal, abandonment. I embrace them so they will feel soothed and comforted, so much so that they will become calmed and slowly drift away in quiet resolution.

Sweet Relief

I went to the nephrologist today to get a report about how my kidneys were faring since starting on the high blood pressure pills and making some effort to reduce my salt intake, and the results were very good. My GFR reading is good and has even improved. We increased the BP dosage just a bit, and I don't have to go back for a year.

I also went to the ENT to find out about my cough, and turns out it's some very mild asthma I must've developed during the two bouts of bronchitis and the oink flu...so am just using an inhaler, AND got some better meds to help out my anxiety and I am feeling smooth and relaxed...it's been sooooo long. It feels like a vacation somehow.

Got a lot done today that I've been putting off (which is what I usually do when I am off the charts with anxiety). So, this is how most people feel most of the time. How incredibly nice! I had the most fantastic sleep last night and woke up feeling good, not groggy. My body wasn't as stiff and sore, and even my feet have felt better today. So much healing happens during a good nights sleep.

Jason and I went to violin shops to see about buying a good viola for Hannah. Tomorrow we'll take Hannah and spend a good part of the afternoon messing around with all sorts of violas. Fun! Hannah's looking forward to it. Nice to get that process started. Now to get the college "grid" worked up...

Orgasmic Tchaikovsky

This past weekend, my son Jethro (not his real name) and I went to pick up my daughter, Jethrine (not her real name) at music camp in Michigan. I'd been very stressed out about the whole ordeal because there were a lot of logistical challenges about getting her home with all of her stuff...not my idea of a fun time for me. But with only a tiny emergency for me (forgot some medication), everything went remarkably smoothly. Jethro and I saw a couple of performances (not with Jethrine in them), and then the big one.

The orgasmic one.

Jethrine was in the most advanced orchestra with the most awesome conductor I've ever seen doing the conducting: Jung Ho Pak. Unbelievable. His goal is to bring classical music back to a wider audience and not just to the musical elitist, which I find to be utterly refreshing. I'm not one of those people who can just listen to classical music and be transformed. This has not been easy since every other person in my immediate family (Jethro, Jethrine, and the ex-husband) all seriously get off by listening to classical music. I'm not exaggerating when I say that it's been a little lonely out here in the land of I-don't-get-it. So, when Jethrine's orchestra got up there and started playing the first of four movements of Tchaikovsky's Symphony No. 4, the first thing I noticed is that unlike other orchestra's I've seen, including professional orchestras, every single musician moved and grooved with every note played and in unison!

Did that catch my low-class attention! Yep.

During the first movement I was focused on the visual movement of every member of the orchestra, with most of my attention focused on the conductor, Jung Ho Pak. This guy wasn't stiff or, at the opposite end of the spectrum, flailing wildly about. His movements were the embodiment of the music. I know I'm not a connoisseur of conductors, but even if the music had not been playing and I was just watching him, I think I would've felt the 'music' anyway. He was incredible. So, the first movement was all about me noticing body language, energy and emotion from all of the performers.

The second movement was, as my daughter Jethrine said, super fruity. I interpret that to mean music you might expect if you transformed a super effeminate gay man into notes...It was...happy and gay and whimsical and well, la-di-da. Did the conductor rise to this oh-so-effeminate movement of this symphony? Jung Ho transformed himself again. The versatility of this guy is amazing! It was divine to watch and it was at this point I started hearing the music.

The third movement was like dragonflies darting over water, little yellow butterflies fluttering around a sunlit spot in the woods, little specks of possibility never noticed before...All of the string instruments laid down their bows and played the entire movement pizzicato. This means they were plucking the strings with their fingers...for the whole movement. This was the movement where my focus completely turned to the musicians and music itself. It was a natural progression and it was at this point that I can safely say I began to lose myself in the music.

The fourth and final movement was mesmerizing. It was at times frenzied, wave-crashing, filled with life and light. The conductor and musicians were infused with the unstoppable momentum of the music, their bodies and faces showing every bit of the music their instruments were playing. I found my whole body involved with the music. I leaned forward, body swaying with every beat, swell of emotion, and crash of the cymbals. The conductor put every last bit of energy into transferring his vision of the music into the musicians, into the audience and to the final climactic measures of the piece, bringing conductor, musicians, and audience to a final crescendo that was nothing short of orgasmic. The audience sprang to it's feet, with thundering applause, voices raised in wild appreciation.

Unbelievably awesome.

This is the way I can appreciate classical music. In my view, Jung Ho Pak has it right with bringing classical music back to the masses. Everyone has a different way of experiencing the arts or anything else for that matter. It's about diversity, inclusion and shared experience...

The Pool

For the last two days, I've gone up to a very nice rec. center that has a wonderful outdoor pool. My friend and I just get in and "walk" the pool, back and forth, chatting the whole time. Before my friend arrived, I floated around in the pool for awhile, mostly trying to steer clear of all of the kids that were playing around me. Once I found a spot that looked pretty clear, an older man kept walking by. He was easily 10 years older than me, probably more like 15 years older. We talked a little bit...he was rehabilitating some injury. He was a nice person and interesting enough to talk to while I waited for my friend. After awhile, I floated away from him because I thought he was boring and also thought he was paying my the kind of attention I didn't want. I thought I'd lost him, but soon he came back and started chatting me up again. I decided that it would be a good time to say something about my friends coming. Amazing. That got rid of him in a hurry. So, what that means, is that he was trying to pick me up! ew. Ew! EW!

Yesterday, there were some other women doing the same thing, but these women were quite a bit older. It turns out one of the older women is a person I'll call "Kate". Kate has never been married, has an advanced degree and was quite successful in her area of expertise. I think she's retired now. She lived all of her life except the last two years, with her twin sister. A couple of years ago, her sister died in a car accident and Kate was left reeling and adrift without her. They had still looked identical up until the end, still wearing the same clothes, living in the same house, spending all of their time together, neither one ever marrying.

After awhile, another woman joined us; I'll call her "Flo". Flo used to work with my friend, so walked a few laps with us while she and my friend chatted away. I listened. She was very, very tan, had bright red lipstick on, colorful earrings, pink/flowery trendy glasses with beaded holders attached at the ends. She was very flashy! I liked her as soon as I heard her say "fuck". Yes. Saying that word does tend to elevate a person in my eyes.

All in all, it was fun...although sort of weird, too. I mean, I was there doing the old lady thing...walking the pool. The best part was that I was there at all. Dressed in a bathing suit, not caring what anyone thought of me or what I looked like, and I was floating around in that big beautiful, blue pool, surrounded by mountains, lots of blue sky, with the sun on my face. I was dining at the buffet of life...

MOTHS!

It's happened.

I thought it only happened to other people, not me. I thought, smugly, that I was immune...I lived in a house that just didn't have them, I was protected by a special shield of wooley, yarny goodness. sigh.

I spent most of today and one full day last weekend cleaning out, throwing away, plastic-bagging my stash. My stash ain't so big anymore. Humph. I now have all remaining, unscathed yarn, wool or not, in large ziploc bags for now. I threw away more than I saved, then swept and vacuumed and although I now feel cleanses, I know I have to go get some cedar blocks or something just so I can sleep at night.

I'd post pictures if I could find the stupid connector thing that goes to my camera, and no, it's not the usual USB thing that's used for every other computer thing under the sun. Skanks. Just like the chargers that cell phones use...they are ALL different. I'm sure it's not POSSIBLE to make them all the same. THAT would be ROCKET SCIENCE. Okay. Got that off my chest. Actually, I might not even post pictures, because if I waited around to do that, I'd post about once per year and then absolutely no one, anywhere on this earth would read this. I'm pretty sure a couple of people will read this...someday.

Back to the yarn/moth discussion: I think the stuff left behind is digested yarn...little specks of light brown stuff. Moth shit. I didn't smell it, but I don't think it smelled like anything. Not nearly as bad as that fish oil capsule that somehow made it's way into a basket of yarn. Nasty. The moths didn't really do a lot of damage, but so much of the yarn they barely nibbled at was yarn I didn't care about. A good excuse to get rid of yarn that is perfectly fine, and someday I might find a use for. Here's a new, good reason, to get rid of good yarn you don't like. It will just attract moths and hurt the totally delicious yarn you are definitely going to make love to very, very soon.

Now I have to figure out how to display my beautiful, love-making-worthy yarn without subjecting it all to moth-violation. Is this even possible? It seems like plastic is the only way...the only sure way, anywaywayway.

If you have any suggestions, especially those of you reading this from far, far away...I'm all ears.

Independence Day and Taxes

I decided today might be a good day to add another post: last time was St. Patrick's Day...this time Fourth of July. Uh oh. That means next time is...Thanksgiving Day! (No...not Pioneer Day. Good Grief.) Just kidding.

Today I did a few errands and one of them found me at the grocery store. I parked my scooter outside next to the kiddie "rides". You know, the ones where you put a quarter in and they jiggle and rock your kiddies around so they can pretend they're riding a horse/car/rocket/spaceship. I was just going in to get something cold to drink, but as I was coming out, it struck me that there seems to be some kind of Fourth of July uniform that people wear...and only for this holiday, and maybe Memorial Day and Labor Day. Here's the wardrobe:

Women:
Tube Top: I swear. I didn't even know they made these anymore. Usually the top is some combination of red and white. Stripes, polka dots, little stars...red and white. The bottom part of the uniform is almost always cut off denim shorts. The zenith of the cut-off short is if the bottom of the butt cheeks are showing. It doesn't matter if it's a delectable, firm butt cheek or NOT. It's a rule. The footwear is, most often, the flip-flop/thong. Bonus points if they have a wedge heel because this, along with the bouncing tube top and the short shorts, makes it all but impossible to do any playing or romping. Sunglasses, lots of heavy make-up, and super dangly, cheap earrings.

Men:
Same denim cut-offs, but a normal mid-thigh length. Hairy legs with at least one major tattoo down the side of the leg. Almost always accompanied by even more major, color tattoos on the arm, chest or shoulder. Variable color of tank shirt (wife-beater), showing off the uneven tan with lines at the mid-bicep. Footwear: Flip-flops, some kind of sandal. Very white feet. Bad Teeth.

I really don't think people look like this on any other day except a warm-weather national holiday. I'm staying at home this fourth of July instead of going out to see the fireworks. I watched them last night in North Salt Lake, and they were very nice. I've seen enough fireworks to last a lifetime anyway, and mostly they make me feel melancholy. I was with a group of friends watching these fireworks, and one friend and I spent the whole time (probably annoying everyone else) singing patriotic songs like The Star-Spangled Banner, America the Beautiful, Yankee Doodle Went to Town...It was fun. And I'm sure very annoying for everyone else but the two of us.

...And, I forgot to pay my state taxes, so just paid those online. I almost forgot to pay my homeowners insurance (I pay all at one time), and had to pay for a speeding ticket along with a traffic school fee so my automobile insurance won't go up. I must be regressing in age or something. Regressing anyway...

Happy Birthday...

Dormant Knitting

Well, you'd think I'd have something to show after all this time of not posting about knitting. I've been knitting a little here and there, but have fallen into the deep, dark, black hole of starting new projects and not finishing them...yet. I have every intention of finishing them, but the thrill of starting something new is a little bit too much to resist...

My latest project I've started is knitting a little lace cafe curtain. It's a knitpicks pattern, probably free...I saved it a long time ago. Called Lace Kitchen Curtain. I'm using some cotton yarn, but it still has some stretch, so I'm not sure how I'll get this thing to drape like a proper curtain should. If it works out it'll look great because it matches my walls perfectly.

Today was my daughter's 17th birthday, and she is growing up to be such a wonderful young lady. She told me today that for some reason she doesn't care as much about having "things" as she used to and that it was interesting how people can explain things to you over and over again, but you never really 'get it' until you figure it out yourself. I don't know how this little redheaded girl we used to call The Hanimal and The Titian Tornado turned into such a calm and introspective thinker! She certainly hasn't appeared that way on the outside but in the past few years has really grown up and flourished even in the midst of our crazy upsidedown family life of the past year or so.

I made a cake for her today and left it on the kitchen counter covered with aluminum foil to protect it (mostly from the cat). When we got home, the aluminum foil was on the floor and the cake was mysteriously licked clean on the side closest to the edge of the counter! What was I thinking!? Moki can make himself taller than I thought...forget the cat! Yes, it was chocolate frosting, but Moki is fine. That dog....

You can relax...

...I won't be asking you for an extra kidney. Just got back from my favorite Nephrologist today and she said that although I had 20% kidney damage due to high blood pressure, I would live and die with my kidneys intact! I have to take high blood pressure pills, cut way down on sodium (only 3000mg per day) and do the other normal things, like healthy diet and exercise...things I'm already working on. What a relief.

She said that if I didn't do those things I would just be looking for trouble, with other organs too. Hypertension is the silent killer, along with kidney disease. Everyone loses 1-2% of their kidney function per year starting at age 40, so my goal is to get mine to slow way down, which is something I think I can do.

Knitting...I have been looking for something to knit that fits within the following parameters:

1. functional and actually usable by someone I know
2. Using yarn I already have
3. it would be excellent if it were for me.
4. interesting to knit (texture-wise, except no cables)

I'm still working on my Mason/Dixon Mitered afghan, but it gets old sometimes. I have 60 squares made so far, and only 20 to go...but they will be a difficult 20, because after all of the squares are done I have to block them all. I don't know how I'm going to do that in any efficient way and they all have to be the exact same dimension as a blocked piece.

I've been looking through my old magazines and my knitting library for ideas...but am just not inspired by anything lately. I still have hope that something will 'do it' for me, though.

Tomorrow night we are all going (Jason and I...then Phil and his girlfriend) to see Hannah play in the Utah Youth Symphony Orchestra at the Tabernacle on Temple square. How sooo very ironic! I think she's very lucky she gets to play there and we're all pretty excited to be there to watch. I think a bunch of her friends are going too. Fun.

I'm going to see Lily Tomlin in Wendover next month with some friends, so am psyched about that. It's nice to have things to look forward to. I've reserved a fancy room for myself with a jacuzzi in it! Fun! I'll be by myself, but that's fine with me.

Boobs, Kidneys and Colons

I knew you'd like that title...Boobs are fine! yahoo!!!!! They are Boob-a-li-boo! My kidneys have improved a tiny bit and best of all...I don't have lupus! It's been three weeks since I went all the way off ibuprofen, so I'm hoping that a new GFR test will show my kidney function even better. I'm really hoping I won't have to do a kidney biopsy.

Colons...getting a colonoscopy on Monday. Gross the day before, but afterwards a nice big hammerburger. yum.. actually it sounds gross right now, so maybe i'll just get a salad afterwards...hmmm..

I'm super grumpy today for no apparent reason. Well, H and J complained when I asked them to clean the kitchen. But of course I made them do it anyway and I made them do it NOW. I'm so tired of that kind of attitude. I could never discipline them well enough to train them in that way without it "costing" me. They will learn, they will learn. They are giving me a headache right now though.

Or maybe it's thinking about that colonoscopy. hmm.

My Dryer

Today I went to Home Depot and had to get creative about my dryer. Currently my dryer is in a little mudroom area with no outside ventilation. So I use this dumb little inside-dryer kit that has a little plastic box that you put some water in and attach the dryer duct to it. That way the lint gets trapped in the watery box (as well as the regular lint trap). But that means the whole room gets very humid...no not just humid...dripping wet. Even from the ceiling and just everywhere. I wonder how the previous owners handled this?

Anyway, I bought another much longer dryer duct and some of those plastic ties that lock to whatever size you want them to, and then some small brass hooks to screw into the wall. I'll run the duct (it's the really flexible lightweight kind), up behind the dryer to the ceiling, across the ceiling, over the door, and right to the window. Then when I run the dryer, I'll just open the window enough to prop the duct up against the screen and it'll direct everything outside, instead of ruining the inside of that room. I'll be doing it today, so hopefully my idea will work.

I also had 'someone' pick at my livingroom wall where there was a little gash, and made it much bigger. One of the 'someones' said he didn't do it, so I'm guessing the other 'someone' probably did it and didn't realize what she was doing. It's right behind a cushy chair, but definitely not made by the furniture. That's another one I'll have to figure out.

Everytime I have something happen that I have to fix, I get really freaked out. Then I figure out how to fix it, and so far anyway, it gets fixed. Then I feel very competent...until the next thing goes wrong!

Hi Mom and Susie

Hello Ladies! I've made this public again since I've rearranged some posts and the result should be a fairly homogenous (haha) blog. Still knitting content if I ever manage to finish anything again, and some personal (but not tooooo personal) stuff. I'll email you and let you know it won't be a pain anymore to access it.

Christmas has been okay this year. I still feel some empty spots here and there, but feel like I did pretty well. It's snowing outside and now I wish I'd waited to walk the dog instead of going earlier. It was very windy today and kind of balmy, but a storm was a'brewin'. We even had lightening with the snowstorm, which is kind of weird because it lights up all of the snow and white clouds.

Tomorrow I'm getting therapized and am also going to get a mammogram. Boobs squished, then I'll go 'talk' about it. haha.

The Day Before

This is the last day I will ever be 47...that used to sound so cute when I was little. You know...this is the last day I will ever be...9! Because every kid wants to be double digits, right? Anyway, my birthday is tomorrow and I can't say I'm excited about it. Maybe it's because I don't have anyone to celebrate it with except my kids. Oh well.

Went to the doctor and got a bunch of blood work done. Apparently my kidneys are only functioning at 50%, so I'm doing a whole kidney work up and today, get to fill this huge orange jug with pee for the next 24 hours! Fun. I also have to keep it cool, so will be taking a cooler to work with a discreet tote bag for my jug so I can haul it into the bathroom everytime, then bring it back and put it back in the cooler. Sounds super fucking fun.

I'd have to say that since I started working fulltime, I'm not exactly doing a stellar job of taking very good care of myself. It's a huge adjustment to work fulltime and have a house, etc. In the other house, I didn't do much except for inside stuff...and not even much of that. Too much depression, fatigue, etc. I'm less tired now, but still not exactly a ball of energy. It's hard to know what is normal for me.

Last night Hannah got up at 1:30 am, but thought it was 6:30, so woke me up so we could get ready for the day. Well, when we were all ready to go and on our way out the door, I happened to glance at the clock and it said 2:00 AM. It was sort of funny. So, we got to have two bedtimes in one night. I'm up now and didn't have to take a shower since I'd already taken one at 1:00 am. So I'm early.

That's it. I think I'm a little bit depressed. I think I need something to look forward to, like a vacation or something. sigh.

Life Update

Here I am again. I bet you thought I'd forgotten about you...

On the knitting front, I've been working on the mitered blanket from the Mason Dixon book. I can never remember the proper names of these books/projects and, of course, am too lazy to look it up. The project requires 80 mitered, striped squares and I am close to 30 so far. I'm still enjoying the project and can usually finish one square per night pretty easily. I bought the knitpicks sample pack with all of the colors of their regular wool yarn and have never known what to do with them. Perfect for this project! I'll probably have to buy more...I think all of it will be used up by about square #40.

On the work front, things have been going well. The work itself is a little overwhelming because it's all about working out little details all day long. It's overwhelming because things get thrown at me to fix all day long and I'm just not all the way up on the job yet. I love the people I'm working with; they're all really nice people and I couldn't have asked for a more interesting or diverse group.

My dog, Moki, is fine after eating a bunch of plastic tampon applicators (yes, used...ew). He chewed them into small pieces that were too big to pass through and ended up being very sharp. He underwent emergency surgery, and came home the same day with a 4 inch gash in his belly with at least 30 staples. Damn dog. They didn't have to go into any organs, but just massaged things down since they were in his colon, small intestine and stomach...all over the place. They sent him home with lots of medicine and of course he's been wearing his goofy looking e-collar all week. His stitches come out in a week.

My children are doing well. My daughter is adjusting to her junior year in high school and 3 AP courses, so she's spending a lot more time studying. She's in 3 orchestras (but she doesn't count one of them, because it's the school one), and is still in her creative dance company. My son is starting his second year in college in Physics and seems to have started the semester up seamlessly...he's very independent and I only hear from him every few weeks or so. Of course I miss him, but he's close and I can pick him up almost any time and take him out for coffee or dinner.

So, there's the update on my life. Nothing particularly earth shattering, but it's nice to write it down. I think I'll be posting non-knitting content for awhile, so for those of you who only like knitting content, you'll probably want to pass me by for awhile.

Hope you're all doing well...

Being Free

This is the shawl I made for my cool aunt. She said that being confined with cancer of the left hip , this is her expression of freedom, life and celebration.

She is posing nude to expose her left hip, with her left arm raised up as if freeing the cancer from left hip through left arm and out of her body.

Kitty

When I went back to visit the family this summer, my aunt surprised me at the door with this kitty hat I made her a couple of years ago. I'd totally forgotten about it...but DARN, it looks cute!

It's the pattern from the Stitch n Bitch book, and was the second one I'd made.

This is my aunts 'kitty' face. I think it's cute.

Good News

Yep. Got a job! No kidding! It's the one I wanted with the State and I'm really looking forward to it. If I'd posted this right after I got it, it would be a much more jubilant post, but the excitement has moved naturally to feeling damn good about it. I start on Tuesday.

So fuck that school.

The Process Begins

Well Folks, I had my first interview today and it went well, I guess. Tomorrow I have another one, and then a phone interview after that. It's a little bit hard keeping the self-confidence up during the interview, but I have to figure out a way. Tomorrow is scaring me a little I guess. It's the one I really want and I hope I don't blow it.

Gotta block my secret project so I can take it to my auntie in a week or so. What should I knit next??? I must say, I'm not inspired so I think I'll visit the SnB blogs...

Here's a sweet little baby-sized hat using Susan's Amber pattern and some organic cotton I had left over from something...Such a simple thing, but someday I'll have someone to give it to and they'll love it.



My crazy dog, Moki.




My front porch with some dead-headed roses from the bush in back.

New Photos

Here you go, Susie! I've finally uploaded all of my New Orleans photos as well as some new photos of my house with flowers bursting out everywhere. Click on the flickr link at the bottom of the photo bar. XXOO

Approaching Storm